Muak

Pernah gak si lo muak banget sama manusia in general, ngga spesifik. Jadi ibaratnya pengen muntah aja gitu setiap ketemu orang meskipun ngga benci. Atau sebenernya gue benci tapi denial karena deep down sadar kalo manusia butuh orang lain? Gatau, yang jelas saat ini gue lagi muak ketemu orang.

Tapi sebenernya ngga valid juga karena ada segelintir orang yang, seberapa muak gue sama orang in general, kalo lagi bareng mereka gue biasa aja. Seneng malah. Yang dilakukan, ya diem aja bareng-bareng. Gue sibuk bengong ngeliatin keluar jendela tenggelam sama pikiran, yang lain entah ngapain. Pas udah siap baru deh cerita.

Biasanya merasa begini kalo abis full meeting atau abis riset, tapi ini beda rasanya. Kayak… hopeless aja sama manusia. Apalagi di-trigger sama isu politik dan lain-lain.

Rasanya pengen menghilang dari muka bumi dan terisolasi bersama orang-orang terdekat aja sambil bercocok tanam, berternak ayam, dan memelihara kuda di pedesaan. Tapi sebenernya selama tinggal di dalam daerah kekuasaan seseorang, kita akan mengikuti peraturan wilayah itu ngga sih. Apa gue harus bikin negara sendiri ya?? Tapi setelah bilang ini ke orang-orang di depan gue barusan banget, ide ini ngga masuk akal karena kemungkinan negara gue dijajah akan besar karena gue ngga punya kekuatan militer. Tapi ngapain juga mereka menjajah negara gue kan isinya cuma gue aja dan keturunan gue?

Kalo sakit juga, harus gimana? Berarti gue harus membuat sistem kesehatan di pulau gue ngga sih? (Ohiya for context negara gue harus berada di pulau sendiri). Belum lagi nyari pulau yang murah karena menemukan pulau dengan cara berlayar seperti Colombus juga udah gak mungkin gak si.

Gimana ya gue bisa terus tahan dengan ini semua ke depannya? Di satu sisi, salut dengan diri ini karena udah bisa bertahan selama ini dalam konteks professional. Keren bgt sih gw.

Shout out to these two yang udah dengerin kebacotan gue tentang negara pribadi gue ini (sekalian ngasih reality check wkwk). Abisnya pada sibuk semua jadi gue ngeblog aja.

Farewell

I created this blog in 2008 when I was just a silly 7th grader. It was the golden era of Blogspot in Indonesia, courtesy of Raditya Dika, Evita Nuh, and others. In that exact year, I was also introduced to the great enjoyment of reading fiction books by my classmates. Later, those inspired the little me and awaken my desire to write about every simple thing that happen in my life. 

Oversharing has been my prominent trait ever since I was a naive middle school girl, I suppose.

Unlike these days, this blog used to have many visitors per day. Mostly came from my classmates who wanted to read funny stories about themselves. Despite those being cringe now, I could understand why the little me (and friends) found those stories amusing. I guess this peculiar brain of mine has not evolved in terms of a sense of humour. I still think the way I did years ago, to be honest, but these amusing thoughts didn't survive into manuscripts now. I am a mature lady, thus I should refrain from writing in such unbefitting ways lol joking peeps.

The stark difference between the earlier and the latter blog entries is the mood. While I previously described the earlier entries which were somewhat funny (at least by the time I wrote those stories), the latter was more reflective a.k.a boring. Some of you might even wonder, why did I write those? Aren't those thoughts supposed to be very intimate? Why do I let random strangers from the internet read such intimate and candid thoughts of mine? Am I that naive?

The answer is, ever since 2019, I utilised this blog as one of the exercise tools for being more vulnerable--like I used to in middle school. The middle school me used to let the readers dive into my weird perspective on some events, something the adult me forget how to do. Being vulnerable is not an easy thing to do, but avoiding vulnerability is often the root cause of the problems the adult me get into. That is the reason I want to treat this: because I want to be vulnerable with people that are important to me.

And after almost 4 years, I think this training has come into success. I never felt a stronger bond with my closest ones including my friends and family. I have people I can rely on whenever I'm feeling strong emotions now, which is very liberating (why didn't I do this sooner?). My confidence is soaring high as a result. I’m no longer in my sad girl era: I’m in the happy era despite all the life problems I’m currently in.

One thing that I would love to point out: healing takes time. It is not a one or two weeks process but years instead. Not to mention that it is a humiliating and lonely process too. 

If you're currently on your healing journey, you should applaud yourselves for being aware of your problems and take action about them. This has proven the right mindset of yours. Many people are problematic yet they are not aware of it or worst, choose to continue to be the jerk they are. You are much better than those kinds of people.

And I thank you, dear readers, for being part of my healing journey although you may not realise it. Thank you for not saying a word to anyone else (to me, specifically) about anything in this blog. I may have deleted some posts you have read before so please, keep our little secret just to yourselves, yah.

I apologise for any cringiness (?) I may have induced in this blog. Oh, and grammatical errors. Please pardon all the errors because I wrote most of the entries past midnight lol I'm half asleep.

I'm officially signing out from this blog, yah. Adios.

See you on a different platform.

Desirable difficulties

Warning: profanity (idk why I feel the need to give you all a heads-up lol)

Have you ever felt like your life is extremely fucked up but you seem to enjoy it?

When a mentee of mine asked me how I did seem so composed and unaffected despite all the life problems that fucked me up altogether (am I being... gangbanged lol), I told him that it wasn't true at all. I am deeply affected, and it was actually painful for me despite the tremendous support from my closest ones. However painful it is, the emotions I have been feeling in these past 4 weeks were kind of strange in a surprisingly positive way. Yes, I was sad for a couple of hours. In fact, there was a time when I couldn't hold back my tears at all and just let them out, heavy although quietly, in the middle of a busy cafe attracting so many eyes. But then, I went to the gym for two hours straight and all the negative feelings disappeared into a thin air: it transformed into excitement instead.

Is it the gym? Or am I in denial?

Adil sejak dalam pikiran.

Ada ngga sih satu kutipan dari buku yang pernah lo baca dan itu sangat powerful—se-powerful itu sampai lo mengingat kutipannya hingga bertahun-tahun kemudian? Kalo gue, kutipan ini dari buku Bumi Manusia-nya Pramoedya Ananta Toer:

“Seorang terpelajar harus berlaku adil sudah sejak dalam pikiran, apalagi dalam perbuatan."

Entah gimana makna sebenernya yang dimaksud Pram, makna yang gue tangkep adalah sebagai manusia yang bermoral, tindakan kita harus merefleksikan apa yang kita pikirkan. Misal, gue bertindak adil supaya mendapatkan validitas dari masyarakat alias pencitraan, tapi sebenernya gue ngga bener-bener pengen adil. Gue pengen korup misalnya, tapi karena satu dan lain hal jadi ngga bisa. Meskipun gue tidak korupsi pada akhirnya, gue tetap tidak bermoral.

Tapi berlaku adil sejak dalam pikiran ini sulit banget ngga sih untuk dilakukan. Seringnya gue melakukan sesuatu simply karena dianggap desirable aja oleh society atau pertemanan. Bukan berarti itu sesuatu yang buruk sih. Bagus malah, kan jadi desirable. Tapi akan lebih baik ngga sih kalo kita ngga perlu lagi memikirkan permasalahan ini? Kayak udah otomatis aja gitu pikiran dan aksi kita merefleksikan sifat-sifat baik yang desirable?

Mungkin pada dasarnya gue memang tidak desirable dan bermoral ya WKWKW, tapi gue berharap bisa selalu adil sejak dalam pikiran. Ngga cuma ke orang lain tapi juga ke diri sendiri. Kadang merasa sering kali membohongi diri sendiri: apa yang dilakukan tidak mencerminkan apa yang diinginkan. Awalnya berpikiran bahwa itu yang terbaik buat diri sendiri dan orang-orang lain pun merasa demikian. Tapi setelah dilakukan kok kenapa painful banget yah...

Tapi memang ngga ada jaminan bahwa sebuah pilihan itu baik atau buruk ngga sih? Bisa jadi dua-duanya baik, atau sebaliknya, dua-duanya buruk. Dalam hidup, kita sebenernya hanya memilih sebuah pilihan yang less painful di antara pilihan-pilihan painful lainnya sih ya biasanya. Tapi gimana jadinya kalo akhirnya mulai menyadari bahwa ini bukan rasa sakit yang ingin dialami? Menyesal pun jadi sebuah pilihan yang lebih painful sehingga tidak diambil.

Ngomong apa gue.

Tau ngga apa yang lebih painful? Ketiban beban 20kg di gym. Gue sumpahin orang yang naro plate 20kg di rak paling atas ngga akan bertambah massa ototnya!!! Ngga considerate banget sumpah dia pikir upper body orang lain se-strong itu buat ngeluarin plate 20kg di rak paling atas?!?! Pasti dia mau pamer ke pengunjung lain pas naro plate itu kek "nii liat nii gue strong banget lohhh bisa naro beban 20kg ini di rak paling atas" 😡

^ ini contoh tidak adil sejak dalam pikiran. Padahal pas ketimpa beban itu gue terlihat chill padahal di dalam pikiran kayak 😡🤬😖‼️

Monsterating

People who experience menstruation may understand this feeling in which we basically become a massive crybaby in addition to being a cranky bitch we never thought we were. No wonder why Luke from Modern Family called it "monsterating" because even I sometimes felt scared while thinking of my past behaviours and decisions I made during my period.

Still, our hormonal changes within some stages of the period cycle shouldn't be a justification for our bad behaviour. I can totally understand when some people including myself are sometimes fallen victim to it, but we also need to own the consequence. We shouldn't get away with our actions just because we have a fully-functioned uterus, girls.

For those who never experience menstruating, don't you ever tell us that our poor actions are the result of the hormonal changes we might experience because: 

1. Everybody is built differently (literally) so not everyone in their period experiences an emotional rollercoaster ride;
2. It shows your ignorance by somehow invalidating people's feelings. Just because we're on our period, doesn't mean that what we feel is not real.

It's also valid for you to feel exasperated with our irrational conduct and feelings. You can feel angry with us, but to confront us while we are at the peak of our emotions is pointless: it's just adding fuel to the fire. If you understand the concept of hormones, you might as well understand that on account of it, we are not in control of our emotions like usual days: our rationality is taken hostage just at that exact moment.

My advice is just to retreat from the scene and reassemble while everybody is in their right mind. Communicate each others' feelings and solve the problem afterwards.

Also, not everything that we do is as extreme as making stupid conflicts with other people. Sometimes it is as harmless as crying on the night bus ride without any reason, or crying over abang-abang gojek yang videoin air mancur Senayan Park lol gue sih kalo ini.

Huff, I wish making essays would be as easy as rambling nonsense like what I wrote in this blog ya.